Can Your Relationship Survive?

Differing domestic expectations and battles over the control of the remote are common challenges every couple has to learn to negotiate. Sometimes, though, a relationship is faced with a severe obstacle, and to survive that you'll to have to put yourself first and decide whether the relationship is the right one for you.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Kelly, 21, a journalist, ended her relationship with her boyfriend after three years. 'I was feeling too settled and wanted to be single and discover who I was,' she says. 'Even though neither of us was doing anything ‘wrong’, we kept fighting and making each other miserable. I knew it was over when I saw Renaldo laughing with his friends and realized I hadn't seen him that happy with me in ages. Single life was good - I came out of my shell in those seven months and went out with friends I had neglected. Then I went overseas for two weeks and even though I hardly saw Renaldo before I left, I missed him like crazy. When I got back we talked things out and decided to give it one more shot. If it doesn't work out the second time around, then that's life, but we're happy. What helps a lot is me being my own person now.'

A break-up doesn't necessarily spell the end of a relationship but it does give you the opportunity to determine whether the relationship is worth trying to rebuild or whether it's completely over. A lot of the time breaking up and making up points to emotional immaturity. You need to grow your emotional intelligence before you even consider getting back together and this you must do completely alone. A break-up is an opportunity to figure out what you want, and develop interests and relationships in your life that are separate from those of your ex-boyfriend. Moving on from a relationship sometimes means accepting that there may be no satisfying answer to why your relationship had to end or even recognizing that partners often simply grow out of relationships.

If you decide to get back together you will need to establish new relationship parameters and learn to communicate better. Don't get back together, though, if he has cheated on you or shown you little respect, or if you're in an unequal partnership where he is the top dog or vice versa.

Cheaters

Keshni, 26, a marketing consultant, had been with Rajesh for more than five years when he cheated on her. 'One day after work I decided to go home and look after Rajesh rather than go to yoga - it was his late grandfather's birthday and I knew he was upset,' she says. 'Rajesh opened the door with a weird grin on his face. I soon realized there was someone else in our home. I found her in the bathroom. I was so hurt and disappointed. I told them both to get out. After that Rajesh and I were in and out of a relationship for three years. I slowly realized he was weak, but every time I became stronger and tried to move on he crept back into my life and tried to bring me down again. Eventually it came to an end.'

When a man cheats, he shows he doesn't value you. He's probably shopping around for another partner if he's treating you with so little respect. You need to ask yourself some tough questions: is this really the man for you? Is he worth fighting for after what he's done?

If you're willing to take him back this could point to negative self-esteem. Are you putting him on a pedestal by wanting to forgive him and, consequently, putting yourself in the pit? There's nothing wrong with you, but there is something wrong with him and how he sees you. It's not that you're not good enough for him - he wants something else and you can't be that. Be true to yourself and treat yourself with respect. Don't minimize yourself by sticking with a man who doesn't value you enough to stay faithful. You're not incomplete without him.

Even if he apologizes and begs for a second chance you should think long and hard before considering taking him back and risking more damage to your self-esteem. Remember that you're young and have many years of meeting new men ahead of you; men who can fulfill you and who will treat you with love and respect. This man will probably just cheat on you again.

Mudslinging Matches

You said the most terrible things to each other and you don't think you'll ever be able to make amends. You can mend the damage to your relationship after a bad fight - but sometimes it's best not to patch things up.

Take a look at yourself by owning and taking responsibility for the nasty things you said. Were they completely unfounded? Was what he said unfounded? If it was, do you want to be with a man whose view of you is lopsided?

Disagreements and arguments are par for the course in any relationship but they mustn't be the norm. They should be the catalyst for taking your relationship to the next level of understanding and should lead to greater intimacy. But if you argue all the time and never come to any resolution, and resentment keeps building, then it's probably best to consider ending the relationship, as this is destructive behavior.

Listen to your inner voice. What is your self-worth telling you about this man? Is it telling you that he's not the man for you because he doesn't respect you when he communicates with you? Even in the heat of the moment, could he have addressed issues in a more mature way without being nasty? If he was abusive and flew into a fit of rage during your argument, it's definitely time to break up. And if you're being destructive then it's time to rethink the relationship.

Help from your Friends

You should listen to what your friends say about your potential partner. They have an objective view, and know you well and care for you. But you should only listen to them if they give legitimate reasons why they don't approve of your boyfriend - friends aren't supposed to choose your partner.

It's important not to cut your friends out of your life just because your boyfriend doesn't approve of them or they don't approve of him. If something goes wrong with your relationship, who will you turn to for support? It's important to maintain your friendships through any relationship you have, but you can't force your friends to become friends with your boyfriend and he can't force you to be friendly with his friends.

You need to find a balance between intimacy and independence, which means you must both work out when you'll spend time with your groups of friends and when you'll spend time alone together. It's important to have respect for each other's friends and for the time you each spend with them.

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Can Your Relationship Survive?