The Sacred Code of the Wingman

As a pilot in the air force, when you fly into battle you know that - no matter what happens - there's someone in a plane next to yours watching your back. This is your wingman - someone willing to do whatever it takes to ensure the mission's success, even if it costs him his life.

Outside of war, there's only one situation where the stakes of the relationship between a guy and his wingman are higher: trying to pick up a girl at a bar. Wingmannery is the male-on-male form of chivalry; the ultimate act of loyalty. It's about sacrificing your enjoyment for a night in the hope that you can steer your mate into the glorious triumph of picking up a girl.

Chatting to a girlfriend of mine the other day, I was surprised to find out that a lot of what guys know as ‘The Sacred Code of the Wingman’ is not common knowledge among womenfolk.

I asked my friend what the best move was that a girl could make for a friend. She thought about it, then said, ‘You might just say to a guy, "My friend thinks you're hot."’ I hung my head in despair. It was the worst example of wingmannery I'd ever heard of and it broke Rule 3. 'What's Rule 3?' I hear you ask. It's the rule after Rule 2 in The Sacred Code of the Wingman, which I will now explain to you in a perfect segue.

Rule 1

Who the wingman is and who the squadron leader (the main guy) is gets decided early on. If one guy's taken, he's automatically the wingman. If not, whoever spots the girl first gets her. The other guy then becomes the ultimate wingman - he's forgone the chance to meet the girl even though he's single.

Rule 2

The wingman always takes a dive. Should an anecdote be told at which the girl is not amused, the wingman is expected to assume all responsibility, saying, 'I was the one who said we should do that nudie run,' or 'It was my idea to steal the nun outfits.'

Rule 3

The wingman never ever reveals the mission. Even if captured and tortured, a good wingman should - and will - maintain that the fact this girl fell for his friend was purely 'one of those magical things' and not a finely rehearsed ballet of wingmannery.

Rule 4

The wingman’s a big, big fan - without looking as though he may have a crush himself. The wingman's most common phrases to his squadron leader should be, ‘That's so funny’, ‘That's because you care about animals too much - you just can't save them all’, and 'Don't get this round, you always pay for everything. Whoever snags you will sure get treated to her pick of designer shoes and handbags...'. Okay, maybe not the last line - but you get the drift.

Rule 5

The wingman may need to be flown off in an enemy plane. No-one likes to admit this happens, but it does. Often in a two-guys-meet-two-girls scenario, where one guy is wingmanning the other, it leaves one girl remaining. This girl can be the biggest threat to the squadron leader's chances, and it's the wingman's duty to do whatever's necessary to divert her attention - especially since we know girls are not a selfless species, and no one flower is going to stand in the field silently while another gets two bees.

So, quite often, a wingman's entire night is spent keeping the target girl's friend entertained, and this may mean taking her elsewhere - even home. I'm the first to admit it's not nice but it's reality, and - as I mentioned in the first paragraph - the military metaphor isn't a coincidence. They don't call it ‘the battle of the sexes’ for nothing.

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The Sacred Code of the Wingman