Rebuilding Your Life from the Ashes

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One peculiar feature of a stepfamily is that they are built on anegative foundation. A stepfamily couple comes to their newhome with a full set of baggage, containing memories,wounds, and habits. Probably the biggest piece of baggagethat sits in the way of your developing a new life is yourconnection to your ex-spouse.

And, while some ex-es go away physically, many morehaunt your life as well as your memories. One of the greatmysteries of divorce and remarriage is why manyex-spouses just refuse to turn loose.

It has been said that divorce is the single cruelest thing oneperson can do to another person. The one soul you trustedmore than any other with your secrets, your hopes, and yourweaknesses turns from their vows and wrenchesthemselves from your living heart. The phenomenon of thespiteful, vengeful ex-spouse is such a problem that themajority of emails we receive are on that subject.

However, in working with thousands of stepfamilies aroundthe world, we've found two facts to be true about dealing withthese vindictive ex-es (and they're nearly always ex-wives!):

1) The kids see the truth. Kids aren't stupid. And, althoughthey have a natural tendency to defend even the worstbio-parent, they can see for themselves when adults lie anduse them. They see both sides of the story, in both homes.These kids know what your personalities are like, versusher personality. And they are keeping track of everything shetells them that doesn't add up.

Now, this doesn't mean that you can use this fact to try toturn the kids to your side. You must behave in the mostChristian manner you can.

Which leads to one of our Cardinal Rules: Never CriticizeYour Stepkids' Other Parent In Front of the Kids. She mayactually be a psychopathic shrew or he may indeed be analcoholic abuser, but if you criticize those monsters wherethe kids can hear you, those kids will defend them-eitheraloud or in their minds.

2) Wicked ex-es are not as strong as God. This is a weaponyou can use for your defense and against them. If youpresent the best example of a selfless, loving, gentleChristian stepparent that you possibly can, your stepkidswill be able to see and feel the difference in spirit betweenlove and hate. Also, if you constantly return kindness forevery time she is mean to you, you will wear her down.

These are not "pie in the sky" dreams. I've seen themhappen in my own stepfamily and in many others. It is aChristian concept, but it's also fundamental nature. You arenot responsible for how she acts toward you. You are onlyresponsible for how you act ... or react ... toward her. Act insuch a way that you can feel comfortable with yourself. Showthose kids how a real woman handles problems-withstrength and self control!

While it is sometimes necessary to stand up to vindictiveex-es, the only approach I have ever seen to be completelyeffective in securing a peaceful home in relation to yourex-spouse is to reach out in love. Now, I'm not throwingflowers around and saying everyone will get just alongtogether. But I am saying that it's pretty much impossible tofight with someone who won't fight back.

I'll fall back on some sage advice which says that, "If we onlylove our friends and hate our enemies, how are we anybetter than them? But I say unto you, Love your enemies,bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you,and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecuteyou."

Look at it this way, if you simply react to your ex-es attacksevery time he or she says something about you, who is incontrol of your life? Your ex is.

However, if, no matter what they say about you or do to you,you refuse to stoop to their level, if you insist on acting in asuperior manner, you-not your ex-are still in control ofyour mind and life.

Jesus wasn't teaching, in the above passage from Matthew,chapter 5, that we are supposed to be wimps. On thecontrary, it takes much more courage and character toanswer an attack with an attempt to make peace. It isharder, but it is more rewarding.

The only sure way to win is to get everyone on the sameside.

Bobby Collins is a stepdad first, then a minister, a certifiedfamily mediator, and founder of STEP-Carefully! forStepparents!, the largest faith-based support organizationfor stepfamilies in the country. His articles have appeared innational publications and he has appeared on national TVand radio programs always teaching stepparents how tohave healthier, happier families. His organization can bereached on the Internet at http://www.stepcarefully.com where visitors will find free articles, a freenewsletter, and a book store with proven stepfamilyresources for sale. Collins is best known for his privatefamily mediation between husbands and wives,ex-spouses, and stepparents and their stepkids. With over adecade of experience, he has helped thousands ofstepfamilies survive and succeed. Contact him directly at coach@stepcarefully.com

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Rebuilding Your Life from the Ashes