[Not So] Outgoing Mail (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail. I mean, I understand it in theory, but today I tried talking to it and it didn't even respond. What's so outgoing about that? I think it needs to be renamed "shy mail" or "introverted mail". And besides, the reason a lot of people send mail is because they are not outgoing people and would like to instead express themselves in written form. So a new name for this type of mail is only logical. I would suggest names like Ralph or Hector or Agnes, because people don't seem to send mail to people with names like those, and thus the name would be ironic...

Mexican Spaminator (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

When we decided to move to Mexico, one of the most exciting things that popped into my mind was that I would get a new Internet Service Provider and finally get off the 300,000,000 Spam lists that I was on. I thought for sure I would go insane if I received one more "How to Enlarge Your Manhood" piece of Spam-as if I needed to do that anyway (yeah right).

Miss Cleo Was a Fake... NO - Really? YES Maaan! (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

With her Jamaican accent Miss Cleo, a self proclaimed psychic and shaman would give you the answers to all life's mysteries... for up to 9.95 per minute.

Eye Spy Potatoes (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my contact lenses still in my eyes. And by "lately," I mean for the past seven years. This, in a lot of ways, is the pinnacle of laziness because the removal of contacts takes no more than a minute or two, or three hours if it's your first time. But I've come to the conclusion this morning that there is a reason I fail to remove the contacts: deep down, I am hoping to find certain people in my dreams. So if I have the contacts on my eyes, then perhaps my eyes will be able to contact them. Isn't logic wonderful? I am pretty sure, in fact, that if I never remove my contacts, a telephone may become a thing of the past...

He Had It Coming, Your Honor (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around our sprawling estate, I realized that my life is just way too laid back. What with our perfect children, our incredible level of financial independence and perfect hard bodies, I felt inspired to do something to shake things up a bit.

Coffee Tips (and the Elimination Thereof) (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments, and I'm not referring to the scones, although -- seriously -- just think about the writing possibilities if I were. Rather, it's the tip cup that bothers me...

Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at *spark-online.com when my grandmother was alive. I came across the link from my Web site and, after debating whether or not to change anything, decided to leave it. As Jadzia Dax said in STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE, "If you want to know who you are, it's important to know who you've been." Of course, Edna Mode in THE INCREDIBLES SAYS, "I never look back, dahling. It distracts from the now." So I won't look back, i.e. revise, and will present this essay as it originally appeared.

Finding Lost Children (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

A couple of days ago I had to go to a dealership to get my car fixed. I am not implying that I don't want my car to have children, because who am I to make that choice? More so, I was sent a letter about a recall on one of the parts (the hazards, actually), meaning that the dealership was obligated to fix my car while I watched television and drank free coffee from a vending machine?

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident of the Alaska Zoo since 1983. The Zoo recently decided that Maggie needs nicer quarters, more attention, and a treadmill. She weighs 9,100 pounds and does not get enough exercise, especially during the long Alaskan winter months.

Cant Get There From Here (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

Can't Get There From Here

Juneau is the capital of Alaska, but did you know that you cannot drive there from anywhere?

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-27-05 (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

Hey, Poor Rix: What do you think about school food? - Former Student

Poor Rix ate lunch at a school last week, and really liked it. Who knew they could make a dessert out of corn chips?

A Dogs Guide To... Getting Your Dog to Stop Barking (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark A LOT. So, whattya gonna do about it? Well, if you're Amber and Terry, you're going to do NOTHING about it. Ain't nobody going to silence the Rubinman, you know what I'm sayin'? If you're NOT Amber and Terry, though (i.e. you're smart) and you want to know how to get your dog to just freakin' shut up once in a while, here's what you need to know?

Cheer-Leadership or All I Need to Know About Business I Learned from Cheerleading (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

Thanks to teen movies, many people have this stereotypical idea of cheerleaders as being ditzy and mean. However, there are a great many life-lessons that can be learned during your time on the team that have surprising application in the business world.

Health Club Regulars -- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the huge variety of exercise equipment that's available. It's also a great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society. Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars:

Pee Here Now (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

Several years ago, I switched health insurance companies and my new insurer sent a uniformed nurse with short black hair to my house to conduct a health assessment. We sat at my kitchen table and she officiously asked questions about my health history.

Used Condom Found In Restaurant Salad Bar; Waiter Embarrassed To Tears (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

Evidence of after-hours activity turned up at a Big Boy restaurant salad bar in Detroit last week, embarrassing not only the perpetrators, but nearly everyone associated with the company.

If Real People Ran the Bank - I (a spoof for the heart) (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

Banish Loans Forever

If ordinary, hard-working, people ran the bank... the very first thing to get rid of would be loans. Absolutely no more loans!

11 Alternative Garden Games (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come to entertaining your garden party guests? Weary of boring badminton and jarts? Croquet not your style? Then you're in the right spot! Here are games sure to make your next party the hit of the gardening social season!

Humans are like Monkeys (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

Humans think much like monkeys and other primates, not much different in their abilities to reason. Why is this? We mimic, copy, imitate that which we see. This is a common thing that all higher primates do, including us. But if we would stop and think and allow original uninhibited thought to flow without fear of being chastised, cast out, imprisoned, punished, ridiculed or made example of, then we might really come up with some great innovations which would certainly propel mankind to better quality of life and higher standard of living.

The Work-from-home Fashion Primer (July 23 2007)         - claim this article

Last week, I reported how writers, stay-at-home parents and online marketing geeks had chosen careers as hermits: