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Preventing Relationship Problems: The Policy of Full Disclosure
Relatively early in my relationship with my wife, back when we were still dating, I lied to her. While I regret doing it, and it caused some harm, I also felt like it was the right thing to do. It was truly an ethical dilemma for me. Here’s why: Someone I didn’t really know all that well disclosed something very personal to me regarding their gender identity. I took this information with great confidence – I simply didn’t feel like this was my “secret” to share. But choosing not to disclose this to my then-girlfriend led to an obvious “gap” in my conversation about this person – she could sense that there was something I wasn’t telling her. When your girlfriend suspects that you are not being fully forthcoming about another female – the implications can be severe. I could have simply told her, but I felt very strongly that the confidential information was given to me, this person didn’t know my girlfriend at all, and I just didn’t have the right to give out that information. Needless to say, this put a major strain on her trust in me.
My wife and I have long since resolved that particular issue, and after 10+ years for us, I can happily say this is not a problem I would have now. In every friendship I have, my highest priority is already taken by my wife. So when other people begin to tell me something they don’t want repeated, I always make sure they know that their confidence is well placed with my wife and I – she comes as part of the package. This usually happens at the same time I let them know that we are mandated reporters if someone could harm themselves or others – my wife is mandated by law, I by my own conscience. By making sure they know that I will only share this information with my wife, I have solved the ethical dilemma I faced earlier. I now hold nothing from my wife, even if I think it is insignificant, or (frankly) if I just would rather she not know.
My wife and I now have a policy of Radical Full Disclosure. Simply put, we tell each other everything. No secrets. It hasn’t been easy, and we’ve encountered some bumps along the way. One such hurdle is seemingly insignificant information. Many times, I have neglected to tell my wife something, and later she will say, “Why didn’t you tell me?” From my perspective, it just wasn’t that important. To resolve this, I now actively consider my wife’s perspective – and I’m amazed at how many seeming “small” things become much more significant.
The most effective rule I found to help me in implementing Radical Full Disclose is this: If you ever begin to think, “Maybe I shouldn’t tell her this…”, then you must tell immediately. “I feel awkward telling you this, and I considered not telling you, but here it is”, may be difficult, but it does a world of good for the trust in your relationship. Finding out that someone kept something from you, or flat out lied, lessons your trust in them and may cause you to consider their intent in doing so. By contrast, admitting that it crossed your mind to keep it from them, but telling them anyway instills confidence about your trustworthiness.